Behind the BEARD

“Why don’t you shave?”
“Why do you keep beard?”
“Are you trying to look cool? It looks like the latest trend.”
“At least, trim a little.”

I get this quite a lot; from strangers, from people who haven't seen me for a long time, usually those people who care more about the disgusting facial hair on my face rather than me.

Should there be any reason not to shave? If I can just pretend like there is no hair on my face and just let it go, why can’t you? Seriously, why do you care much about the beard? I know it looks disgusting, but is it hurting you? Is it hiding your way to a beautiful scenery or something?

Guys, what if I ask you, “Why do you shave?”
Girls, what if I ask you, “Why do you wear that revealing top?”

Relatives, what if I ask you… well, leave it. I don’t even fucking care about you.

Yes, exactly. I get irritated too. I don’t complain, though.

If you had known through me, the ‘me’ behind the beard, you wouldn’t even ask.

Behind the beard, is a pathetic loser, a loner, an un-confident, insecure, apprehensive, nervous, an unsociable guy, who isn’t explicit about himself, who can’t express through his voice, so he writes. A guy, sure about what he thinks, but more unsure about expressing his thoughts to someone else. A guy, who has ideas, but wouldn’t dare to share them to others because he fears rejection.

Behind the beard, is a guy, who needed a new skin to cover up his insecurities, a new mask to hide his loneliness, his awkwardness.

Behind the beard, hides a meek, timid, shy, humble, diffident, self-doubting, self-distrustful guy.

When, I realized the beard was giving me a mask over my un-confident nature, I couldn’t afford to go back to being the same ‘me’. I was afraid to be that same guy who was afraid to express how he thought, how he felt.

Then, this bearded guy became the ‘new me’. It helped me suppress my insecurities, in some way. I don’t know why. I know it sounds ridiculous. I don’t expect you to understand or believe me. But it does bring confidence in me. It makes me feel like people can’t see past me, to my loneliness, to my life of problems, to my frustrations. And this gives me a strength to move ahead, keeping all my weaknesses aside.

So, how would I feel when you ask me to shave?

If you are a stranger (you are a stranger to me, even if you know me but I don’t care much about you), I don’t care about what you think or say.

If you are someone I look up to, if you are someone I care about, if you are someone I love, if you are someone dear to me, and you ask me to shave, it hurts. Yes, it does. It feels like you are trying to ask me to take off my mask of confidence, and go back to being a pathetic loser AGAIN. Why would you want that?

If I shave, I am afraid, I will not speak to many of you dear ones. Not because, I am angry at you, but because I will have lost my voice and I will not be able to express myself to you. Do you want that? Would you want that? Would you want me to stop talking to you? Would you want me to be a guy who has nothing but insecurities and problems?

Let me be hidden behind the beard for as much as I can. I want to hide behind the beard till I can’t be confident enough to express despite my loneliness. I would rather want you be distracted by my disgusting beard and complain than you looking at my eyes full of pain and sympathize me.